90ways - Fiction

I work in Marketing. Not everyone works in Marketing, but I do. And that's ok. I justify it in the following ways:

-If I didn't do it, somebody would.
-Everyone is entitled to their fair share of propaganda. Even large corporate entities.
-Marketing is good life practice for something else. Possibly lying to loved ones.

My boss says charming things like "We don't deal in reality" and "I'm in the perception business." She gets frustrated with me when I ask questions like "Is that true?" or "I'm sorry, I know I already asked you this like nine times, but did you say the mauve or the periwinkle?" But, as discussed earlier, not everyone works in Marketing. That would mean that the only thing there would be to market would be marketing. "Hey, have you heard how great our marketers are? We've got the best! Here, take my card and if you ever need... a job... just come over and... I'll talk to you later! Bye!"

No, not everyone works in marketing. But many people work. And have even been hired to do so by a hiring professional. In the marketing business we say these hiring professionals are in Human Resources. If you are one of the countless tens of people who have been hired by someone in Human Resources the disturbing possibility exists that that same person, who you once counted as your benefactor, could fire you.

Being in Marketing also makes me an Administrative Type and we share space with other Administrative Types, such as our friends in Human Resources. We do things like order pizza and play darts and joke around about the people like you who we hire and market and then fire. All of this gives me a unique insight into those in Human Resources and how to deal with them. I am prepared to share.

From time to time those in Human Resources will say things like, "Can I see you in my office a moment." This is usually followed by a brief meeting, often no longer than a moment, during which you will be informed that you have "freshness issues." It is not uncommon for you to be embarrassingly unsure about this euphemism and prolong the meeting longer than necessary. This can be followed by as much as a week of pouting at your desk and making plans to buy several powerful underarm deodorants and/or anti-perspirants. In this kind of case, I would recommend action over inaction. I find that those in Human Resources are often hoping you will follow through on your plans to purchase hygiene products.

Another problem you might run into with those in Human Resources is the annual review. If you stay around one job for a year or so you will most likely have to perform in one of these dog and pony shows. It might go something like this: You will meet in a semi-private cubicle with someone from Human Resources. They will say something to the effect of, "For the most part your work is adequate... this is a small office... please be mindful... second warning." I know from playing darts with the Human Resources people that one thing they are not looking for when they perform annual reviews is hand to hand combat, so this should be avoided. Rather, you may want to meekly take their unfounded criticisms as if you were their bitch, despite never having run into a problem like this in any previous work environment, or even intimate relationship.

Unfortunately, it is possible you will eventually have to face the unpleasant day of your own termination. Many people deal with this unavoidable reality badly and I have some helpful hints:

-If asked to leave before the police are involved, try leaving.
-When in doubt, remember Gandhi's Three Keys to Passive Resistance. (If Gandhi didn't have something called Gandhi's Three Keys to Passive Resistance, I'll bet dollars to donuts he didn't have anyone in Marketing.)
-Finally, the invocation of the phrase Medical Condition often works wonders to reestablish better lines of communication with those in Human Resources.

That should cover it! And remember, if you have trouble in the workplace you should really speak to someone in Human Resources. And if you have trouble with someone in Human Resources you should really write a misleading or grossly unfounded press release about whole administrative departments in your workplace having methamphetamine issues.